Flashes
by Wind
Summary: Pieces of what Tomoyo has felt for Sakura over the years of their friendship. Match romance S/S mentioned. Small story of how it feels to love someone who is your best friend. Please read and review. *updated*


**Author**: Wind   
**Contact**: codename_windy@yahoo.com   
**Rating**: PG   
**Category**: Angst/Romance   
**Pairings:** One sided Tomoyo/Sakura and match romance for Sakura/Li   
**Author's notes**: This is my first CC-S story, so don't be too harsh on me. Also, English is not my native language, so there are ton of spelling and gramatical mistakes. Please put up with them. The name of the story indicates the way it is written, as the scenes are not in cronological order, but rather pieces or flashes of someone's memories. This time Tomoyo's. It's her POV through the story.   
**Update:** Just some couple of new flashes. And thank you's to those few who have reviewed. ^^   
  
**Dedication**: To Gwahcola. She will not like this story, seeing she does not believe that Tomoyo really loves Sakura or would ever angst over it. However, this story would had never came to be if it was not for her. She is pretty much the sole reason this story came to be. That is why this is for her.   
  
**Flashes**   
  
"Does he make you happy, Sakura-chan?"   
"Yes, very much so."   
"Do you love him?"   
She smiles at me, the smile I love and hate by now. The smile that radiates the warmth and fulfillment, shines friendliness and kindness.   
"Yes. I love him more than anyone else."   
  
The phone rings only once before it is picked up. A familiar, not warm but not cold either, voice is heard from the other end. I try to breath evenly, keep my voice from breaking down. All I can manage is a quiet whisper like sound:   
"It's me, Tomoyo. Can you please connect to Mom...?"   
"She's really busy right now, she said she didn't want to take phone calls. Maybe you could call lat..."   
I almost laugh, but I just can't find it from me. Instead, I quietly say:   
"Tell her this is an emergency..." a moment of hesitation, "Please."   
Affirmative grunt from the other end of the line and one minute of waiting, before my mothers worried voice right from the other end of the phone. She asks me what is wrong, asking if I am hurt, asking what happened, asking all kind of questions... I don't pay any attention to them.   
"Sakura-chan... is getting married."   
My voice is so dead, so empty. My mother greets the new with silence, before informing me that she'll cancel all the meetings for that day and that she'll be home in half an hour. I nod, as stupid as it is, since she can't see me through the phone. But my vocal cords seem to have frozen up.   
  
I look at her, as serious as I have ever been in my life and hold her hand.   
"Sakura-chan, you are the person who is most important to me."   
She smiles to me replying:   
"And you'll always be the most important to me, right there with my Dad and Oniichan."   
I feel a smile creep to my lips. Maybe I will never make her to love me that way, but she promised I will always be the one who matters to her the most. And that, really, is all I need to know.   
  
"Ne, ne, Sakura-chan? Wouldn't you like to go? It is a really good new band!" I almost sing, waving the tickets before her. It is a good new band, I've listened to their music some and I like it. Hearing 'em live would be great. I have heard they're even better on actual stage. And of course, there is no one else I'd rather take there with me than my Sakura-chan... Who hasn't answered to me yet. I blink myself back to reality and see her looking at the tickets less than thrilled.   
"Well, I would much rather go and see that movie you told me about..." Oh. "...if that is not too much troubles?" I have the consert tickets right here and the movie tickets no where around! But her smile makes me hide my disappointment and stuff the tickets into my pocket, while I say:   
"Not at all. I'll let you know to which day we have those movie tickets."   
  
"I... I just wanted to see you happy. That's all I needed. Was it too much to hope I could be your happiness...?"   
  
Carrying a basket filled with all kind of good stuff, tea and cookies and cakes, I make my way through the sunny day towards her house. We're going to spend some time together. It was going to be just me and Sakura, but since Eriol-kun is here in Japan this very moment, Sakura insisted we'd make it a "double date". I didn't really protest. If it made her happy, then it was fine by me.   
I am nearing their house as I see her with him on the front door. They seem to be talking, too concentrated on each other to notice me. Silently I walk onwards to hear what they are saying. I know it is wrong, but I've always been a curious person. First I can make out his voice, sounding somewhat displeased:   
"Why are you always saving her first?"   
"She is my best friend."   
"What about me?"   
"I know you can save yourself..." she is silent for a short moment, then kisses him lightly and smiles lovingly, " If you ever needed me to save you, you know nothing in the world would stop me."   
And he wraps his arms around her. Hugs her, kisses her, caresses her hair softly... That's when I can't watch them anymore. I turn away, silent steps carrying me. To where, I do not know, for my vision is too clouded by something wet. I think they are tears.   
  
The phone rings and I grab it, still staring at the pair of consert tickets. I should probably ask someone else to come with me. But I bought that other ticket for her, for Sakura... it would feel wrong to give it to someone else besides her.   
My thought are interrupted by her voice at the other end:   
"Tomoyo-chan, I decided to give that band a chance after all."   
My heart leaps up a jolt and my voice must sound so happy when I almost happily giggle:   
"Really? Wow, that's great, I..."   
"What seats did you have? I hope I got mine close to yours, that'd be so much nicer..."   
Wait a second. Hold it right there.   
"Got... yours?" I furrow my brown lightly, a luxury I couldn't afford if I was actually facing her.   
"While, yes. I didn't want to be bother to you, Tomoyo-chan and they still had tickets on sale."   
Suddenly my throat feels very dry. She wouldn't take a ticket, wouldn't come with me, when I offered and asked. But she'd go and get one by herself and go then. One that can be miles away from mine... I stare at the innocent tickets, ones that I bought with so many happy thoughts. I especially glare at the ticket I wanted to give to her... Now, now it seems worthless. It seems wrong. It seems tainted.   
Quickly I pick those two pieces of paper up and rip them apart. Again and again. And the small pieces find their way in my trashbasket.   
"I'm sorry Sakura-chan, I already gave my ticket away... But you go and have a good time, tell me how it was." Sometimes I hate the fact how normal I can make my voice to be.   
"Oh, that's sad! It would had been nice to see you there too..." her voice is a bit quiet, but then it quircks up, "But I'll tell you everything, so it will kinda be like you were there too!"   
After placing the phone down, I just sit there for a moment, staring straight ahead and blinking furiously. Ok, so she didn't want my ticket I brought for her, didn't want to go with me. But she'd go and buy a ticket of her own and then go without me. No big deal. It doesn't mean anything... not a thing...   
Gulping, I kneel down to pick up couple of the pieces of the tickets. Something heavy seems to be on my chest as I watch 'em...   
"Why did you have to get your own and ruin these, Sakura-chan...?" It's barely a mutter.   
  
The sun is shining so brightly as I wait for her to arrive. We are just going for a walk together, to enjoy the wonderful weather. And there is nothing I would be doing more gladly, for it is going to be only me and her. For a whole day. Whole wonderful day, just the two of us. That is the best way for me to spend my day.   
And I see her running towards me, her whole face shining with excitement, radiating that something amazing has happened. She practically glows with happiness and her joy makes me smile too. She stop right in front of me, her eyes shining so brightly, as she pushes her hand forward, towards me, letting me see a shining lovely, yet simple, ring.   
"Sayouran-kun proposed to me... we're engaged!"   
It's a small miracle she can't hear my heart breaking to tiny pieces. I stare at the ring blindly, forcing my voice to come out:   
"It's beautiful... I'm happy for you."   
She tilts her head, looking at me little strangely. With great effort, I make myself to smile at her. She continues looking at me, before saying:   
"Tomoyo-chan, is that your honest smile...?"   
"Would I give you any other kind...?" I beam at her. It's not a lie. It's a question. Luckily she seems to choose the wrong answer, as she smiles back at me and clasps hold of my hand, stating we should start moving. She always hated staying in one place. And she offers to tell me every bit of info about Li's proposal. My heart bleeding, I keep smiling to her and listen, hardly being able to wait until I am home and can call my mother.   
  
My mother is holding me. Soothing my hair and letting me cry against her shoulder. And I cry, for all that I am worth, my whole body shaking with desperate sobs.   
"She's too young... too young... just barely 18... "   
In reply she pulls me closer, breathing meaningless but reassuring words to me, trying to ease the pain she knows I am going through. I can sense the deep sadness in her. She never wanted me to end up feeling the same pain she had felt, and she feels such grieve knowing that her daughter is gonna end up the same, loving someone who does not return those feelings. But I am happy we are the same. Otherwise I wouldn't have even this much strength. Otherwise there would be no-one feeling my pain and wanting to do anything to make it go away. My throat feels tight and swallowing is hard, as I calm myself, wrapping my arms around my mother and hugging her tight. She understands...   
  
I open a letter. It seems to be from Meiling. A small smile creeps to my lips. We've been writing to each for quite some time now, we have few things in common and for some reason, we seem to get along quite well. I quickly scan through her letter. She is asking me if I am interested to go to the USA after high school. I know it might be a vice thing for me to do, to get to know the western music business as well. People have always complimented my voice, so a little by little, I started hoping I could make living out of it...   
Grabbing a pen, I write my apologies to her, for I have to turn down her offer to go there together. I explain to her that me and Sakura-chan have already agreed to go to see the world together after high school, go to study somewhere together, live together... just be together for a while. And I couldn't and didn't want to back out from that promise.   
  
"We'll be together always?"   
"Forever."   
"I love you, Sakura-chan."   
"I love you too."   
Not the same way, you don't. But maybe one day. When we are older. Maybe then I can tell what I mean and maybe then you can say the same sentence you just said and mean it the way I've wanted you to mean it.   
  
"... my light, my happiness, my world. My love. There are not enough many words to describe the way I love you, describe what you mean to me. And I promise to love you, cherish you, hold you in my heart and to be with you. Always and Forever. That is why I, Kimonoto Sakura, take you, Li Sayouran to be my wedded husband..."   
Silently I repeat those words, until it comes to the name part. That is where my own little vow gets different. But how gorgeous she looks like, dressed in white, glowing with happiness. Standing with the other half of her soul, though I fail to understand how. How can the other piece of my soul find her fulfillment from someone else. It makes me feel like a left over piece in this puzzle of life...   
And now he can kiss the bride. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes. Tears of sadness, longing, bitterness... and happiness. Happy that she found her happiness. But sad, longing and bitter... for I could not be that happiness to her.   
A comforting hand is placed on my shoulder and I look to my side to meet eyes of Meiling. She smiles to me slightly, sadness still hanging around her very being. I never really knew whether or not she was in love with him... but that very moment I realize that she at least knew I was in love with her. I offer her a grateful smile, trying to let her know I appreciate her being here with me, as I was there for her when she realized Li really wanted someone else.   
  
"Sakura-chan...?" I stare at the carpet nervously. We have been discussing over her 15th birthday, whether or not to have party. Or mostly, where to have the party. I should probably pretend I am asking something 'bout the party, I probably should... But when her voice quizzibly asks what is it, I cannot avoid popping out the question:   
"... I... I just wanted... to ask..." I lift my eyes to look at her beautiful orbs, so clueless and unprepared for what I am about to ask, "... could you ever... love love me...?"   
She blinks couples of times, probably trying understand what was the true meaning of my question. I can see when it hits her brains, as this soft expression comes to her face. Soft, gentle, caring... but yet one that breaks my heart, for it is not a face that will give me the answer I am hoping for.   
"Tomoyo-chan, you're my best friend. I love you... But I could never love you in a romantic way. I don't want to, for you are my bestest best friend!" she declares, taking hold of one of my hands and looking at me. I nod at her solemnly, before brightening up, smiling again and asking her whom she wants to invite to the party.   
It is almost too ironic, really. She is not turning me down because I am a girl. She is turning me down because I am her best friend. And the reason I love her so badly, in every way, is mostly because she is my best friend. Sometimes I could swear the faith is playing a cruel joke on me...   
  
"Moving?" My voice is filled with disbelief as I look at my best friend. She nods at me:   
"Yes. Sayouran-kun wants to be with his family for a while and I got this great studying place from there... It all fits together so perfectly!" She beams to me, radiating happiness that seems to permanently taken her as its home. Then her face turns into somewhat sad expression: "Everything but you. I really wish you'd come with us!" I shake my head and smile to her friendly, even though I want to grab hold of her shoulders, scream and shout, demand to know what happened to us going to see the world, to study together... to be together.   
I suppose I should had realized all that became impossible when she married him. And now, he is making the final step to take her away from me. And she... she wants to take the step. Because she is his now.   
  
"Moshi moshi."   
"Konnichiwa Tomoyo-chan!"   
"Sakura... -chan. How are you and Sayouran-kun doing?"   
"Just perfect. We're coming on a holiday to Japan next week. Are you free? I miss spending time with you..."   
Glace at empty calendar page.   
"No, I'm afraid I won't be around Sakura-chan. Business trip."   
"Oh..." she is geniously disappointed, I can hear it. Of course she is. I'm still her best friend. As far as she us concerned nothing had changed. And as far as I am concerned... everything has changed. I quickly gripple down a note to my schedule book reminding me to be away during the days she is staying in Japan. She is talking to me the whole time, asking if they should reschedule their trip so we could meet, trying to convince me and herself that they can still change the flights and...   
"I won't be around for the whole two months." My voice is maybe a little more cold then I intend to. But while my calendar is empty enough, the words I say are true. We once agreed to be always together. And while she does not see it that way, she left me. Now... now it's my turn to leave. Only that, I'll be going for good. I don't wanna end up missing everything in life. I... I want to have happiness of my own. As we say goodbyes on the phone, I feel a twinkle of guild, realizing she does not understand these goodbyes will be final. I wait for her to hang up, still holding the phone, my lips form one sentence:   
"I really did love you, Sakura..."   
... Maybe I'll call Meiling and ask if the offer is still valid. Maybe.   
  
**End.**   
  
I would deeply appreciate feedback and reviews. I've heard that readers of CC-S fiction are good at reviewing, so don't let me down people ;) 


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